Saturday, June 16, 2012

funny story...the machine

In japan, they invented a machine that catches thieves;

they took it out for different countries to test it.

In the U.S, in 30 minutes it caught 30 thieves;

In the U.K, in 30 minutes, it caught 500 thieves;

In spain, in 20 minutes, it caught 60 thieves;

In ghana, in 40 minutes, it caught 4000 thieves;

In Uganda, it caught 50,000 thieves in 12 minutes;




In Nigeria...in 65 seconds, the machine was stolen...

nigeria

NIGERIA........ ....My beloved country, where people.......

~ Check the expiry date of gala after eating it.
~ Go to church with extension and BB charger ( Charging in his presence ).
~ Update on BBM '' about 2 cross '', get hit bya car and still update ''dying tinz ''.
~ Say an opening prayer at nite clubs.
~ Go to an eatery and buy bottled water just to watch a soccer match.
~ Go to shoprite, buy a bottle of coke and spend 30 mins snapping with champagne bottles...lwkmd
~ Wear sun shades at nite.
~ Dress in complete rainbow colour like its rag day and call it colour blocking.
~ Count money after withdrawingfrom an ATM ( we trust no one, not even machines ).
~ Call a fat hausa man '' Alhaji '' and a thin one '' Aboki ''.
~ Travel to china for 2 days and come back with a british accent

Monday, June 4, 2012

my thoughts




nightmares of the sheets.


         The Disappearing Act


Toni and Wayne were having a fight that night about the mysterious disappearance of their kids
“You know I had to go to work, you are just an irresponsible mother!” shouted Wayne,
“If you had allowed me get a babysitter while I also worked, this wouldn’t have happened!!” Toni shot back. They paused after sighting one of the police forensics pass by their door. He came back immediately and inquired “is everything alright sir, ma’am?” Wayne nodded in the affirmative and then shot his eyes back to Toni…
“Now they’re gone, are you happy?”
“Where are all those b****s you call friends? Huh!!? Answer me! Where are they!?”
Sobbing Toni sank into the ground, with her back sliding on the door. After a few sniffs and sobbing, she walked into the sitting, “Wayne I’m sorry…” with her face down. “I don’t know why this has to happen to us… I mean… I…” She turned around… “baby…”
“Wayne?”….  No answer. Mysteriously Wayne was also gone. She screamed, just then the forensics who were working outside ran into the room,
“ma’am… what’s the problem?”
“… he… he…he” she sobbed, “Wayne’s gone.”
“What do you mean ma’am?” Just then they saw Wayne’s head roll out of the curtains, bloody all over, drooling with a sticky mass of mucus and saliva.
She screamed, grabbing the detective near her. The moment she held him she felt a smoky air around her and then some was strangling her, she was choking,
“Help!”  She screamed… Officers had been numbed, knocked out cold by a thing… unnoticed. They were still cold… as she was being choked, she jumped out of bed screaming, sweating all over. She turned to Wayne’s side of the bed. Gasping, she ran her manicured hands through his imprint on the sheets…
On hearing splashing water from the bathroom, she dashed off. Ripping the tub curtains apart, she held her scream in with her hands to her agape mouth…. The water dripping off the tub had the colour of blood in it…
Then she heard his voice from behind the tub… “honey, why didn’t you tell me the plumbing was this bad?” ”All this rust...”

drayesdistrict: Mary was everything

drayesdistrict: Mary was everything

Mary was everything


Mary was everything to him. Mary was his life, his music, his dedication, and his motivation.
James couldn’t stay a day without seeing her. It didn’t really seem like he was addicted to her until we all noticed he would go into the toilet to make “calls”.

James was 23, young, vibrant, tall, 6’ 2. He had the smile of a beautiful deer. Every girl we knew would smile at the sight of his smile.
It all started when his cousin Cally came in from the states. They went out for some family reunion at a bar somewhere inside town. They had drinks and they went in with some girls having so much fun, they came home late that night. He never mentioned her to anybody, he never described her. All he ever said was “dude, she’s tight!” with a wink to cover it up.
I did envy him though, for finding this girl that could change him. Make him go to work for a paycheck, spend money on his own phone to make calls- in the toilet. We’re dudes so I didn’t want to seem gay eavesdropping on their conversations.(no offence to same sex practitioners)


At some point, James started losing weight. I asked about the girl jovially, expecting an answer. I didn’t get it! “J-boy Mary no dey give you chow?” I asked in our local parlance. He was sweating profusely with soaked undergarments.
“She’s fine.” Short and sharp, he shot back.
“Easy man…” I retorted calmly. “oh ’boy, for this cold, you dey sweat like this?” It was 7:00am in the morning, a lazy Saturday morning.
“Guy dey your side!!!” he barked at me.
I calmly decided to overlook his tone and plug my earphones; bopping my head to “kukere-etighi”… one of my home based favourite tunes. He got up, put on his shirt, walked to the estate gate with a face like a soldier from the 300 Spartans movie. Even a neighbour bypassed him puzzled by his look as they exchanged quick sharp pleasantries. The neighbour approached me with all suspicions of James being in a financial problem or some emotional trauma. Nada! I was also as puzzled as him. So I went in hurriedly after the ‘imaginary light bulb’ appeared on my head, put on some footwear, threw on an ‘Enyce” T-shirt and went after James.
I followed him, noticed or unnoticed; I didn’t give a f***. Followed until he came to an abrupt halt at one of the hangouts/brothel he and his cousin used to come to whenever he was around. He went in, so I followed after him; not minding him seeing me. I didn’t have a good hunch about him, the brothel, the whole Saturday.
He went into one of the apartments behind the brothel and I lost him. I decided to wait and a thought came to me, maybe Mary was a hoe and it was disturbing him that she could have been with one her numerous clients at that time. So I took a seat, ordered a bottle of fayrouz, sipped slow while waiting. Minutes later, James wasn’t out and no drama yet. It was still quiet except for the Africa magic channel that was on the TV then. After an hour, three beers and one fayrouz down, the pimp of that brothel ran out and dashed to me on sight… “Jay… jay… Jay… James!!”
“Hey… Calm down bro...” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “What’s up? Talk to me? Wetin do James??”
In between breaths, he leaned forward, placing his hands on his knees then pointed to the door James disappeared into. I dashed there not knowing what to expect; Trauma or drama. I busted through the door not noticing the restroom sign on it… James was on the floor.  I finally met Mary.i quickly struggled to lift his unconscious body off the disinfected floor. The pimp had already called up an okada. I got on the bike…
“B.M.H, how much??” I didn’t even hear the price, I ordered a go. Minutes later, he was on the hospital bed; revived, alive, and with hope after such a heart break. As  I left the hospital to get him food and water, flashes of what Mary’s face looked like with him on the floor.
With all the polythene and latex on the floor; She was straight faced as metal, white, powdered form, spilled all over his nose, chest and the toilet floor. She, in reality broke his heart: doctors mentioned something about him loosing blood in his heart.

Sunday, June 3, 2012